The moment scatters. Motionless, I stay and go: I am a pause ~Octavio Paz

Saturday, August 27, 2011


 A few years ago, I was helping one of my gurlfriends out at this "Expo" type event. She had a booth set up near this other booth that was selling "designer" hand bags, and one particular bag caught my was a color block black/red/beige bag that I thought would go perfectly w/ a top I'd recently purchased elsewhere and the price was reasonable. I knew I wanted the bag, but asked my gurlfriend for her opinion...she wasn't really feelin it and said, 
"You can find better elsewhere."
Now, this was years ago, but I remember her exact words...and I know that I never found the "better" handbag.
I really wanted that hand bag...I knew that...and I should have bought it...I knew that because I kept thinking and looking at it...but, I left w/out the bag. I bought a few other hand bags, but left that particular bag.
For the next few weeks, it seemed that every outfit I wore would have been a perfect opportunity to wear that bag...I didn't even realize I had so much of these colors in my wardrobe. Well, black I knew because it is a staple in my wardrobe pallet...but the other colors were a revelation. In a short time, I became angry w/ myself for not buying that this day, I am still "haunted" by that bag. Not really the bag, but the "lesson" is one that stays w/ me because it was an experience that revealed something about myself to me...the fact that I'm the type of person that wants what I want, period...and when I know what I want, don't ask for anyone's approval or opinion, because it's about what I want and what I can live with or without...not them.
I am a Taurus...a "fixed" sign, so we are notoriously stubborn by nature...and believe me when I say...I am a true Taurus in this sense...So, this may simply be a tangible expression of this stubborn nature of mine, but I kind of "zoomed in" on this new revelation of me, since that day. I now know that if I want to eat or drink or buy a certain thing, just go for it or wait for it...because if I don't...(and I am sad to say that despite this epiphany about me, I still don't always choose to)...I will waste time and money on the "substitute" that may seem better or reasonable because of it's convenience...only to be dissatisfied...annoyed w/ myself... for wasting time and money, and then.eventually spending more time and money to get the thing I wanted in the first place.
So...I want what I want, and accepting this about myself...learning to live inside this often simpler said than done. Especially when it comes to Love...when what I truly want requires me to wait while I am constantly presented w/ convenient options. Some are actual temptations, and Lord knows I hate waiting (seems God decided He would teach me patience, instead of granting me that virtue at birth)...Specifically when the waiting time involved is beyond my control (seems I am also a bit of a control freak) and I am tempted to reach for and settle for that always conveniently available substitute/option, by trying to convince myself I could make it work or be satisfied w/ it. But alas, I know me.I know my heart.
I want what I want...and that is not a crime; A pain in my ass, maybe..A trying of my character and integrity, surely...But, definitely not a crime.